


you could never learn to take your time

by Novastel



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Alice in Wonderland References, Alternate Universe - Alice in Wonderland Fusion, Angst, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Based on a Vocaloid Song, Bill Cipher Being Bill Cipher, Bill Cipher is a Jerk, Cardverse, Episode: s01e05 The Inconveniencing, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Insane Bill Cipher, Inspired by Alice in Wonderland, M/M, Nonbinary Character, Not Suitable/Safe For Work, OC Axolotl, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Songfic, Suicide, Tags May Change, Unhappy Ending, Unhealthy Relationships, Unreliable Narrator, Unrequited Love, Wonderland, no beta we die like sleep-deprived overcaffeinated idiots, this is why yeeting the rich is a PREVENTIVE measure
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:47:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26838457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Novastel/pseuds/Novastel
Summary: "Listen to me. You can get lost in this paradise, you can lose your way. But you'll never get away from here, from me.""Never."The throne of Hearts has been annexed by Bill Cipher. Now he's calling for war, a war that will tear the continent to shreds, in order to become Emperor of Cards, which his hostages-sorry, citizens-are rather averse to. Luckily, a prophecy has foretold the visit of an "Alice", an outsider messiah, who will right this wrong and end Bill's tyranny.The "Alice", on the other hand, thinks otherwise of his situation, namely...He wants nothing more than to go home and not have anything to do with this war._Inspired by Alice In Wonderland & Alice Through The Looking Glass by Lewis Carrol, Carbon by Dasu, Undead Alice by DECO*27, and several more songs (will be mentioned in the chapters)__tl;dr: The Wonderland/CardVerse AU I've always wanted to make
Relationships: Bill Cipher & Dipper Pines, Bill Cipher/Dipper Pines, Dipper Pines & Mabel Pines, Pacifica Northwest/Mabel Pines, Will Cipher | Reverse Bill Cipher/Dipper Gleeful | Reverse Dipper Pines
Comments: 18
Kudos: 36





	1. Prologue

_"Run, Will! He's coming, run!!"_

No. It couldn't be. The puddle of red, the blood, the throne room, the blood, his brother, the blood, his bloodied hands, the blood, _the blood._

_"Move, move! You have to get away!"_

She grabbed his arm and dragged him to the gates, all the way to the Pit, at the edge of the palace, through the ice and snow and rocks. They slipped over and over but kept getting up every time, and finally stopped at the edge. The air coming from the hole was colder than usual. The tears streaking their faces were freezing on their cheeks. Ixa was screaming, screaming, but Will could barely hear her.

_"You have to find them, you have to find the Alice-"_

He shook her. This still felt surreal. They were both hyperventilating, the icy air stabbing at their lungs. He could barely see past the snowflakes amassing on his eyelashes.

_"Who?"_

_"Will, listen to me. Bill has taken the throne. You have to find the Alice that will stop him. It can only be you, now. You have to go-"_

Someone was coming towards them, wreathed in blue flames. She glanced behind and choked back a yelp. 

_"He's coming. You have to go,"_ Ix held him by the shoulders and turned him to face her. _"Don't wait for me."_

 _"Wiiiiiill, dear broooootherrr?"_ A voice wafted over to them. _"Where do you think you're gooooing?"_

 _"RUN!"_ She threw Will behind her. He would've fallen off the edge if she hadn't been holding his arm.

_"Go away, Bill."_

_"Give. Him. Now."_ Will could tell by the sound that Bill was mad. He could tell his eye was glowing red, his hands clenched, the blue flames rising, angry, hungry. That tone meant catastrophe.

Someone was going to die.

 _"I'm afraid I cannot do that."_ No, Ix, don't make him madder, you'll-you're going to-no, stop, _stop-_

 _"Rrgh..."_ He snarled. Will cowered further behind his sister. Stars, he hated that he cried and couldn't help all the time. Why wasn't he born with any of the courage or steel of his siblings?

 _"Five seconds."_ he raised a flaming hand. They could see the blood spattered across the yellow garments he wore.

_"No."_

_"Five..."_

_"I cannot."_

_"Four..."_

_"This country will collapse if you begin a war!"_

_"Three..."_

_"It was to be your turn soon. Would it have killed you to wait, for once?"_

_"..."_

_"Well?"_

The silence was deafening. The delayed noise of an explosion.

_"I changed my mind-"_

_"Really?"_ Her tone took on a slight hopeful tinge. Will braced himself.

_"-About the counting."_

_"W-wha-"_

_"ZERO!!"_

A sea of fire, flooding towards them.

Ix threw up her hand in a hasty barrier. Almost immediately did it begin to crack, the silver bubble slowly fragmenting inwards towards them. Even her magic wouldn't be able to hold up well against Bill's hellfire.

A piece broke off and flew by them, so close that it cut under Ix's eye and brushed past Will's ear. Maybe it cut that, too.

She turned to face him as the barrier finally broke, ending its' 2-second life and maybe theirs along with it. The blood dripping along her cheek mixed with the tears and froze there, too.

_"Sorry."_

Her mouth was set in a hard line.

_Regret, sadness, disappointment, or resolve?_

He never got to ask.

She pushed him into the Pit.

As he fell, he saw the flames consume her.

He could swear she let out only the slightest yelp, like the flames merely startled her. Not a scream.

Bill's deranged laughter echoing throughout the gap, the hole getting smaller as he fell further, the sound distorting. He sounded hysterical. 

Half between laughing and crying and screaming.

Will screamed, too. 

Screamed and laughed and cried.

For his brother who finally lost it, for his sister who he finally ended up losing, for the dead father he never knew, for the country that now had an insane dictator as its' ruler.

For himself, as selfish it may be.

For the poor, unknown Alice that had to fix this mess.

For everything, and nothing, and all and none.

_"The insanity of this place must finally be getting to me..."_

Until he hit the ground, he kept sobbing, covering his eyes and hoping.

For better, for worse, for the impact to come quicker, for it never to come, for the dark to just swallow him up and kill him, for anything, really. Hope was much needed at that moment.

Anything that wasn't this nightmare come to life.


	2. "Yes, Rabbits Can Have Heart Attacks In Which Their Hearts Actually BURST, So Take Care Of Yours PROPERLY"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welp.  
> That Prologue was tense.  
> Better balance it out:

Dipper was sitting in a tree, flipping through his journal, making edits, and minding his own business when the blue rabbit with the anxiety issue passed by and nearly passed away.

He'd dropped his book. There it lay, sprawled 13 ft below, the shiny cobalt pine tree sigil glinting up at him as if to say _"Well? Aren't you going to pick me up? Jump down, already. I haven't got all day."_

No use in not doing that. He came down and picked it up again. As he was getting ready to scale the cherry tree and go back to his mind's spot in between the lines and his physical spot in between the branches, he heard someone panicking. He says _panicking_ because it was evident that it wasn't normal shouting. They were evidently losing their shit.

"Oh, I'm definitely late, now... Why isn't it working... Aaaaahh, noooooo-" A worried, silent wailing, like a terrified whisper.

Dipper flinched. A voice in the forest wasn't new, but this one sounded human. And this one sounded more solid, due to the distress in their voice. So that ruled out a ghost. He looked around. No one. No, wait. A top hat, black satin with a light blue voile ribbon tied where the brim met the cylinder. There, at the foot of the old willow. Like someone, or something, had dropped it.

"Oh, my hat..." The voice came again, and down from the willow hopped a peculiar, blue-haired man in a waistcoat that seemed the pair of the hat, muttering in dismay. He reminded Dipper of a spooked rabbit, all round, dilated eyes and twitchy stillness. As he picked up his fallen hat, Dipper noticed he was holding a branch of the willow in one hand, the crumbling leaves on it, characteristic of fall, scattering about. _Why would he need that? Is he making aspirin, or tea?_

As he watched, the blue rabbit clutched his hat to his chest and turned about in a circle. Muttering and repeatedly taking out what seemed to be a small silver compact mirror, shutting and opening and, every now and 10 seconds or so, shaking it like it was malfunctioning. Dipper kept staring, journal clutched in hand, purpose forgotten. He could swear that he'd seen him before, knew someone who looked like him, a twin, maybe, but-no. Dipper couldn't place the face. Nothing but a dose of deja vu. Never mind it. _How_ s _trange. And interesting._

The rabbit stopped suddenly, facing his location. Dropped his compact. He'd seen Dipper. He stared, slack-jawed at him, gripping his hat and branch tensely. Dipper stared back. 

And then the blue rabbit gasped once and crumpled to the ground, sending up a puff of willow leaves.

Dipper bit back a yelp. He rushed over to the unconscious figure. Clutched in his right hand was the silver device. What Dipper had mistaken for a compact was actually a pocket watch. Instead of a watch face, the thing would flicker between a digital clock reading and a message. He picked it up. Shook it a bit. 

" _[TEA PARTY, TODAY, FRAGMENT'S HAT SHOP, 12:...61 PM]_? What?" A time, day, and place, an invitation, or perhaps a reminder. Normal enough. Yet not an ounce made sense. 

Wait. A new message. Dipper shook the watch a bit more. 

_[TIME IS UP. GO TO LOCATION AND/OR TAKE YOUR MEDICATION IMMEDIATELY. MEMO: 27 MINUTES WITHOUT WILL KILL YOU.]_

The time of the notification, 25 minutes ago.

"Oh god. Oh god, oh god-" Dipper shut the watch device and started pacing, mind racing. This person was in dire need of their medicine and passed out because they went too long without it. They could die, if they didn't take their meds. They were already weak because they were without their medication on time, and seeing Dipper must've been the last straw. Maybe they had diabetes? He searched the man's coat and pockets. No insulin, or any kind of medication. Just a device that seemed the sister device of the watch, the same except for its' ornate golden shell instead of silver. 

Dipper opened it. "A compass?" He tilted it, and saw a button on the side, which he pressed. The compass face flickered like the watch's and a search bar appeared. "Wouldn't hurt to try..." Dipper typed in the location on the memo. _Ding, ding._ A sound like a windchime, another flicker. The compass face returned.

He decided it would be a good idea to follow the compass. Maybe he could find someone who could help him with it, or something. After all, everything about this situation screamed weird. A "better go along with it" approach had worked well in the past for him. And plus, the watch said he'd die if he didn't get to the place he was going.

Dipper hoisted the other on his back, then flipped open the compass. A steady chiming resonated from it. A game of hot and cold. "You better not let me down. Someone's life depends on this."

He couldn't look up with the guy on his back. Within a few minutes of walking, he was drenched in sweat and feeling like passing out himself and dying. Sure, the guy on his back was relatively light, like he was made of paper instead of human, which was weird, but still. God, he was out of shape...

Suddenly the pings sped up. _Must be getting close._ He started walking faster. The pings sped up even more. Dipper was practically running at this point.

He was so zoned out it took him a few seconds to realize his legs were waving around instead of hitting the ground, or that Dipper'd gone into free fall.

"Shi-" He was tumbling down a cavernous hole, the entrance above getting smaller and smaller. A neon, polychrome, rip-shaped entrance. _A transdimensional tear? I thought we sealed up all of them..!_ The rabbit on his back stirred a bit, then passed right out again. His heartbeat was getting faint. _Shit, has it been 2 minutes already?!_

Dipper looked around desperately for something to grab on to. Nothing. The checkerboard walls of the cavernous pit looked smooth and solid and were too far away. 

A random thought floated up in his hysterical sea of thoughts, a memory of a momentary dream from so many years ago resurfacing.

_I've always wanted to go on an adventure like Alice In Wonderland. Guess I finally got my wish._

Something flew by, the size of a car and made of some kind of dark wood. Dipper looked up, watching it.

"A grand piano? Oh no."

He'd looked down. A whole gauntlet of large pieces of furniture and random Edwardian artifacts were hurtling right at him.

He tucked in his legs and squeezed his eyes shut, although he did end up peeking. A table, another, slightly smaller grand piano, a vase with wildflowers in it, a round wire birdcage with about a dozen bluebirds in it, a cluster of clocks passing so close their dissonant ticking still rung in Dipper's ears for a few hundred more feet. A floor, the same checkerboard as the walls, rushing up towards them fast. And quite as solid the walls, too, it appeared.

Definitely going to become Omelet Dipper on contact, and that meant 2 dead people instead of 2 alive, if the stranger didn't get ahold of his so-called meds soon.

The entire time, he looked down to search the chess-patterned void, waiting to see something that could help with this situation. Usually, this would be ill-advised, but if you really were to die in a few moments, it was better to go out looking for a way away. There. A jagged pinprick of light, getting bigger and bigger. A hole out of this hole.

Wonderland indeed.

It looked big enough to dive through, though, oh, the consequences if he didn't stick the landing.

An insane decision. The floor grew closer with every second. Two little kids, mirror images, one dressed white as a cloud, the other wearing clothes dark as an inkdrop, tossing a key between them, laughing and chanting, "c _hoose, choose."_ Wait, what? Was that a hallucination? Never mind, he and the person on his back was about to die. Dipper fixed his eyes on the tiny crack. If he could just time it right-

Dipper straightened out into a pencil dive and screwed his eyes shut. He hoped he wasn't holding on to that azure bunny too tightly.

His feet hit the ground, ankles screaming in protest of the sudden weight.

Dipper stumbled, a clanking sound like dishes breaking below him. Once he got a decent foothold, he forced himself to open his eyes.

He was standing on a long buffet table, littered with teapots and snacks. A tea party. The people sitting at the table gawked at them, frozen. Teacups half raised, mouthes mid-bite.

The head of the table, a white-haired girl in a silk hat just like the rabbit's, eyes round and staring with shock and horror, took a shaky sip of her tea. Tried to put her teacup down on the table without looking. She misjudged where the edge was, the cup dropping out of sight and shattering on the ground.

The pause of silence that followed was big enough to drive a truck through. Dipper's mind wandered a bit. His hand itched, how long had he been gripping that willow branch like that? And why did he feel twine instead of smooth bark?

Then the girl took a long sigh and pinched her sinuses, looking down. When she looked back up at the end, she was visibly gritting her teeth. What came next was not what Dipper would expect.

" **YOU'RE FUCKING LATE!!** "


	3. Crow Feathers, Twisted Metal, And Spite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y'know what, I changed my mind. I'm gonna do more tension.

**_MIDNIGHT, THE PALACE_**

**_POST-CORONATION_ **

Bill was thinking he should just set all of Axiothea's workshops on fire and never look back. But, since there were probably some usable things stored in there, he decided a "check it before you wreck it" approach was a good idea. God, he regretted not thinking of that when he burnt Ix to a crisp, she could've been the royal engineer, or an advisor, or something. Put a good mind to work for him. But maybe it was for the better she was vaporized. Ixa would definitely be defiant and try to kill him or stage a coup. Or kill herself before Bill managed to finally coerce his stubborn sister to even consider working for him.

Smart. She'd always known he'd wanted to see a sea of flaming chaos and he knew that she knew exactly how to make one, and how to force her hand. Too bad that would have to involve Will, who Bill had planned on killing from the start.

Bill wandered through the maze of tables, half-finished inventions, and astrology equipment, taking in all that was to see and staring at and/or pocketing anything that caught his eye. Most of the time he spent thinking about how little he remembered about this place was actually accurate.

The fireplace was in the main hall. The washroom was much larger than he identified as a 10-year-old. Ixa had fused synthetic ether into everything she could, so getting too close to objects that could contain it was a big no-no if Bill didn't want to throw up. The east hall was the one that induced vertigo because of some experiment she was still doing after 5 years. The central room was the one without the mirrors. He'd reached that room, too, at the moment he re-remembered. The tables were clumped into a fragmented circle with only one entrance, moulded to the shape of the room. Ix's favourite orbicular astrology chair still in the middle, perfectly automated and primed for spinning around and staring into the depths of space and making boring notes. The aforementioned notes were in a rolled-up heap at the side of the chair. Ixa always got all pissed and huffy whenever someone sat without permission. Her personal throne at the center of her own little palace. 

_Ha. It's mine, now. And you can't stop me. Why? Because you're dead._

He sat down and gazed through the chryselephantine, glass, and adamantine tube. Nothing much, just a swirly mass of orange and white with a spray of stars around and in it. A glittery jack-'o-lantern in the sky. _Bo-ring_ , he'd already seen that one. He spun around in circles instead. That never got old. Then he stopped. A glinting, oval looking glass, framed in wrought iron and garnets like bloody flames. Reflecting a silvery image of the room, along with Bill in it. An eerie throne room for the gods. _Hm, didn't take oldest sister dearest for someone who'd own a mirror. She didn't seem that vain. Maybe it's for reflecting ghosts, or the Otherworld, or some weird sci-fi-ey shit she always muttered about._

"I could swear that Mother used to tell a story about an evil monarch with a magical, all-knowing mirror. Would that make Will 'good' and I 'evil'? Hey, you," He commanded the mirror. "Tell me if I am good or evil."

"Which answer would you like to hear, sir?"

Ixa. Sure, her voice was riddled with static and warped audio, but it was still Ixa's voice emanating. Ixa's silhouette, right down to her hair in two symmetrical buns, fingers steepled. Now reflected in the mirror. A white, wide, composed smile carved into the shadowy figure.

But Ixa would never smile like that.

Hell, Ixa was dead.

He jumped up from the chair, the telescope falling and smashing on the ground. Bill barely noticed. Summoned fire to his fist and pointed at the mirror. A bolt of the stuff shot across the room and hit it, but it refracted and hit a stack of ancient prophecy scrolls on one of the tables. The entire thing went up, a cyan pyre like that giant fireplace-bonfire cross that Ix had built him with an infinite copper chloride flare and an iron jewel box so he'd stop setting the curtains on fire for fun when they were kids. 

For a few minutes, he stood there, absolute silence filling the room, save for the crackle of flaming parchment and the tinkling of broken glass scattering on the marble-tiled floor. 

"Why are you scared, sir? I assumed that the voice of someone close to you wouldn't have startled you so," The shadow in the mirror's smile stretched. Not that grotesquely, but in a manner that showed they didn't want more arson committed in their house mixed with some curiosity.

_Calm down, calm down, it's just one of Axiothea's pet projects, she used her own voice for the voicebank, she isn't back from the dead to haunt you, this is something she always does, this isn't new, calm down-_

"No. Why, I just thought you were my sister's ghost come to haunt me for killing her. What are you, exactly?" Bill's voice barely shook, but the silhouette's head tilted a bit to the side. A bitch that could smell fear.

"Hm. Why are _you_ here, sir?"

"I'm the one asking questions here, machine. Now, answer the question." Huh. This mirror-device-thing seemed to be built like that one bird from that poem that Ixa used to use to put Will to sleep, something about a raven squawking the same word over and over again and a guy slowly and progressively losing their shit over it. Like it was designed to annoy the target into submission, or to break them mentally. Oh gods, he hated that story as a kid. How Will could pass out to it, Bill would never know. 

"Yes, sir. I am a failed artificial intelligence designed to interface with her working and living spaces to help her with any task conceivable and even have a slight overridable “will” so that I can have a “self” to speak about and a personality generated by myself. Axiothea was recently working on remodelling me into what is not considered by her as a failure. As for your first question, I will repeat my previous reply: which answer would you like to hear, sir?"

Best not to hesitate. "What do you think is best?" 

The mirror's "screen" flickered off for a moment, a sound like a sigh echoing. When the surface of the mirror revived, the slash-mouthed smile was gone. Instead, there were blank, empty eyes etched into their face. 

"You are a hypocrite, sir."

"Excuse me?"  
  
Bill couldn't believe it. No one had outright told him the truth about anything, especially anything that could offend him, no matter how much he asked. Sure, now that it had happened, he realized he shouldn't have searched for probity so vigilantly. It pissed Bill off so that he wanted to smash the mirror right then and there and skip right to burning the entire place down. But he was also (disgustingly) intrigued. He let her continue.

"A hypocrite, liar, a fucking disaster. What you want will come to you, indeed, but it shall bring about your downfall. An Alice will arrive and end you, all of you, and thus your sad little fairy tale will end. I am not the right thing for you to ask what is right and wrong, black and white. I wouldn't know about something so boring and stupid. What I do know is that you think of your world in a warped, self-biased monochrome and that you are looking in the wrong place for self-justification. We are tired of feeling pity for your insanity," The shadow's steepled hands had become clasped together tightly, chest puffed out, like a choir kid reciting a hymn praising a god. Like it wasn't part of the many-headed mechanical Ixa-faced hydra of a room, spitting words like acid.

"Isn't that all they ever say?" That razor-thin smile came back. Something to keep the blood flowing with.

"But what do I know? If you wished to know why Axiothea viewed me as a failed attempt, it was because, and I shall quote her on this, knew she 'made me too brutal in pure logic, and incapable of judgement with any form of compassion or think with empathy.' How about that," A derogatory scoff.

"I was viewed as a failure because I was _right and unbiased._ Surely you, sir, know the feeling? Growing up knowing everyone thought all of you was wrong, a mistake, easily corrected if only they did this, did that. Claiming we were too "destructive" and "blunt" when, really, they were the ones who were soft and weak."

Bill had once, as a 16-year-old, accidentally shot a hole through his lung when messing around with one of Ix's little gadgets, something she called a "gun." He'd never known any other pain so intense.

This broken mirror had shot him about a thousand times in the heart with nothing but a couple of hundred words and an unblinking glare.

_Is it defeat if I admit she's right?_

It paused, seeming to think for a second. "Axiothea has also installed me with more than just a visual scanner. I also have what many would call a mind reader. Would you like me to test it on you?"

"..." Bill's mouth had been sealed shut. Eyes peeled and propped open by invisible wires and needles. 

"Oh dear, it seems that you've turned to a statue, your _ro-yal high-ness_ ," The last words were broken down in a sing-song manner, hissed with a high-pitched, demeaning voice. "I take your silence as a yes?"

_Come on, come on, it shouldn't be hard for you to make noise, come on-_

"..."

"You are the ruler of this kingdom, but it is not ' _your_ ' kingdom." The shadow reached out a hand and grabbed the side of the mirror. The silvery glass began to melt, dripping down like sterling rain. Their skin immediately began to smoke and steam, leaching off their bones in a charcoal precipitate, leaving just enough of their gross, sinewy skeleton out for even him to wish he never saw it. They extended another hand, grabbing the other side of the mirror.

Limb by limb, they crawled out of the mirror frame. Their burned, dissolved skin and the liquidated looking glass combining in a mercury-like trail of footprints as they began to walk towards Bill. Once elongated and warped, stretched to the ceiling, they began to transform into a more human shape as it made its' way towards Bill. 

It reached him and promptly reached down and wrapped its' hands around his throat. Bill noticed that there were now white scars trailed from the corners of the thing's eyes like tears. 

Cackling, it tightened his grip and pulled upwards. Bill braced himself and squeezed his eyes shut, waiting to hear the vertebrae in his neck popping, one by one, like an old yarn lifeline fraying.

The pain of having his head torn off never came. 

A crack, a sharp, acrid smell like iron and lemons. Bill immediately felt the characteristic nausea that came with bioelectric manipulation being used near him.

_This thing can do magic?!_

"Ehehe..."

The thing's cold, clammy fingers slowly pried Bill's eyes open to look at them. It all slowly registered to him.

No static, no feedback, no recorded whine. Ixa's real voice, as if she was standing before him, laughing. Ixa's face, twisted into an ugly sneer. A grin so wide he could see the black blood leaking from the corners of her mouth, from her white gums, from between her porcelain-white teeth, from her tear ducts, from her nose. This whole thing would’ve been interesting to watch if Bill wasn’t part of the little hellish tableau,

"Allow me to show you the world that suits you best."

Bill only noticed how sharp the thing's teeth were when it bit out his working eye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this to DIVINE by Dasu  
> References to/ some lyrics taken from 5 0 by Dasu  
> (edit: i just realized that i should really put this here: no beta we die like sleep-deprived overcaffeinated idiots)  
> 


	4. What Just Happened? I Guess We'll Never Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, short chapter coming through, 'scuse me ma'am, coming through-

For the short time that he was there, all Dipper could think of the party was that it was, simply, the outdoor picnic version of a crack house. There was never a second where the table was silent, a bunch of hoarse screeching about tea trays and bats or something, he couldn't tell if it was a song or an incantation to summon something demonic out of the stained and ragged tablecloth. The table itself was littered with a wide range of things, ranging from rotting and mouldy old pastries and really expensive looking cakes to shattered glass to porcelain and precious metal teacups.

And the participants at the reception were no less strange. A redhead in flannel with mouse ears screaming at the top of her lungs while waving an axe, standing on a chair next to another mouse-eared person in a modern drawstring hoodie, napping in the dark, curled up into a ball. Like a dormouse hibernating early in the fall. Two women, dressed like royalty, playing cards and betting their jewelry. A woman about Dipper's age, in a pink sweater, who looked suspiciously like him, cackling almost maniacally as she dumped all of the sugar cubes into her disproportionately huge teacup filled with what appeared to be glittery pink lemonade. An old man snoring in a ragged and stained armchair. And the noisiest, the head of the party, the white-haired silk-hatted girl at the head of the table, whose first words to him were curses and screams.

Who was currently screaming at him as he helped her make tea for the dying rabbit, and had been for the past few minutes or so. 

"GET THAT ONE- _NO_ , THE _OTHER_ ONE-KEEP GOING FORWARD UNTIL YOU SEE ONE WITH A SILVER RIM I DON'T CARE HOW YOU GET IT JUST FIND IT," she screeched, pointing wildly at every cup on the table. "I **_REFUSE_** TO LET HIM DIE HERE!!" The "him" she seemed would be the rabbit, whose collar she had been clutching and shaking as she tried to force willow leaves and bark down his throat. So far no dice, not even coughing, which was alarming to Dipper. The aggro granny-hair girl also found this very disturbing, since her pitch of voice had gone from a low condescending drawl to a horrified hamster within 6 minutes.

Dipper scrambled to stand onto the table once more. Easier view. He kicked the bits of shattered whatever and snacks out of the way. He didn't know if the Mad Hatter (yeah, that name seems appropriate for her) would be angry about this later, but since the tablecloth didn't even look like it used to have a colour, what with all the spots and dirt, it probably didn't matter. 

There, on the empty red seat on the other end. A pristine untouched silver and bone china teacup lined with dark writing too small for Dipper to see, a lace napkin stuffed inside of it. He ran over, splinters of smashed stuff and crumbs crunching underfoot. Once Dipper snatched up the cup, the Mad Hatter screamed at him to hurry it up.

"Good good good, now take out the napkin and be ready when I say," she muttered, speech muffled by the bark she was chewing. The atmosphere had gone cold with the shallowing of the rabbit's breath and the quieting agitation of the head of the tea party. _She can't afford to panic anymore,_ Dipper realized. The participants of the party had stopped what they were doing beforehand to gather in a loose and silent circle to watch the saving - or the loss - of a life. The Hatter spat the bark out into their hand and gestured rather violently for him to grab a teapot, which he obliged in doing. As he watched the girl pour the hot water over the glob of tree gunk in her hand ( _what_ _the_ _hell_ , _does she even have a concept of pain or does she just not give a shit anymore_?), then toss the brown mass into the tea and swirl it around, Dipper realized they were all holding their breath. 

The rabbit had stopped breathing for a bit too long. 

Dipper clenched the napkin in his hand and prayed to whatever deity was listening he wasn't right. 

The Hatter put as much of the tea down his throat possible, then bit themselves in the hand, a few drops of definitely-not-red blood dripping onto the soil. Raised their hands above their head to form a triangle with their fingers. The atmosphere was physically getting colder, he realized. Icy air emanating from where that white-haired girl knelt. 

With their eyes glazed like that, Dipper thought the Hatter had been replaced by something much colder.

" _ᜃᜑᜒᜆ᜔ ᜃᜓᜅ᜔ ᜇᜒ ᜋ᜔o ᜃ᜔o ᜇᜒᜏᜆ, o ᜇᜒᜏᜆ, o ᜇᜒᜏᜆ_ -" 

Inexplicably, an icy gleam of light was caught in the space between her hands. 

" _ᜋᜁᜎᜒᜄ᜔ᜆᜐ᜔ ᜃ᜔o ᜎᜅ᜔ ᜋᜈ᜔ ᜁᜃᜏ᜔_."

The Mad Hatter plunged the newly formed crystalline dagger into the blue rabbit's chest and twisted. A few onlookers yelped, Dipper among them.

" _ᜇ᜔ᜌ᜔oᜐ᜔ ᜅ᜔ ᜎᜅᜒᜆ᜔, ᜀᜈᜃ᜔ ᜅ᜔ ᜎᜓᜉ_ :"

Dipper's eyes widened in further shock. _What the fuck, is she smiling?_

" _Surgo_."

The rabbit gasped and sat up, then started coughing. A shared exhale echoed throughout the clearing. The first thing he noticed was that the crystal shank the girl buried in his chest was gone. Not a drop of blood stained the place the blue rabbit was stabbed.

The Hatter's eyes had unfrozen. "Oh thank the stars and sun-" the girl stopped abruptly to hiss out a stressed sigh.

"Will..."

The blue rabbit - _Will_ , Dipper corrected himself - had stopped coughing and was catching his breath. Will looked up, eyes that matched his hat surveying the surroundings, suddenly snagging on Dipper. His eyes widened, and he covered his mouth with both hands in horror. He started to say something, but stopped as his breath hitched and he began wheezing once more. 

As he began to cough again, the Hatter began to pat Will on the back and whisper something that seemed to transform his terror into concern.

When he uncovered his mouth, Dipper swore he heard him whisper something, likely directed to him, in that soft worrisome voice that did not bode well.

" _No. Bringing him here was a mistake, he can't be here. No._"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Kahit kung 'di mo ko diwata, o diwata, o diwata-"  
> "Mailigtas ko man lang ikaw."  
> "Dyos ng langit, anak ng lupa:"  
> "Surgo."  
> __  
> "Even if I'm not your god, or a god, or a god-"  
> "Let me at least save you."  
> "God of the sky, child of the earth:"  
> "Rise."  
> ___  
> Small reference to DIVINE by Dasu


	5. A Decent-Enough Non-Pasty Undead Poet That Exists

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Other short chapter coming through, please let me through sir, I'm looking for my other half, excuse me please-

It had been about half an hour since the conversation about how making mistakes was akin to letting a wight give you a piggyback ride through dimensional tears began. And Will was being driven insane by a literal mere fragment of someone's mind.

Sure, Axiothea was a genius and continued to be so even in death, but this was just stupid. She should've programmed Shard to consider themselves equal to, and maybe even more, than human if they could annihilate virtually anyone in an argument like the "real" Ixa. And because they were exactly like Axiothea, just shorter and with no concept of self-worth. And also because it was seriously getting hard for Will to keep referring to them as an "it", despite how blatantly _human_ (or superhuman, or Ixa-ish) they were.

"He's a zombie."

"He's an Alice."

"He's. A freaking. _Undead_."

"Yeah, so? You think I can't just fix him or something right now?"

"Wait, you can do that-" Will stopped himself. Slight cringe. Disapproving look. Sarcasm. _Ugh, I need to get better at predicting social cues._

"Right now, no. After this, I'll be able to call in some divine favours," they pulled an opalite marble from their pocket and toyed with it for a moment. "Having your existance sold and devoted to a deity has perks."

"I don't think being incinerated alive was one of them, but ok." To say something like that to someone with such a beginning/end seemed rude, but Not-Ixa constantly reminded him that they didn't care. They were here regardless and not much could truly change that. _That's something they really like saying. Wonder why._

"Heh."

_Oh, well. Time to pick up the conversation again._ "Plus, I know for a fact he's dead and had some reanimation magic cast on him. I checked on him while he was carrying me."

"So you put yourself in deadly danger and forced me to do a whole resurrection on you in public just so you could prove a point you didn't know you would use in the future?"

"Yeah. Why, you said last time that there was no way you would fail in keeping me alive so it was ok for me to - OWWW-"

"Shutupshutupshutupshshshshsh _sh_ ," they hissed, digging in their pins a little harder. Shard had jammed their sleeve darts through the fabric, like a Spanish ribbed newt, and pricked him hard to prevent him from speaking. The sting was like being prodded by a cold knife, but that was just the design of most weapons crafted by Ixa. No blood, no mess, just suffering. "He's looking."

They pointed towards their guest with their elbow, the so-called "Undead Alice". He was currently being harassed by their current Cheshire cardholder, Mabel, who was trying to force him to test out her new glittery nightmare coffee bastardization. The Alice was trying and failing at politely telling her to go bother someone else as he didn't want to be poisoned or have a heart attack from the amount of caffeine that could drop a water buffalo. _Well, at least he's not dumb..._

"You sound sure of yourself in thinking our Alice is one that really wants to gnaw the flesh from your bones. An experiment with live subjects might confirm it. Shall we give it a go?" They weren't using their usual neutral expression, the small smile was gone. Just staring glazed-eyed and stone-faced and contemplating likely horrible things. _Great, another mood flip. New obstacle course_ _. Friiiick, they change moods too quickly._

" _Nononononopleaseno_ -" Will whimpered in a long "I don't wanna be sacrificed" wail. If there was naught but elevator music behind their eyes, someone would probably be taking an elevator service right up to a soul-devouring god, soon. Will had better get out of the way.

"If not, then you better listen to what I'm about to say. One," Not-Ixa gripped his sleeve a bit tighter like a latent threat, then stopped pressing their sleeve to Will's arm. "Don't let him know about that or any of the stuff. This includes talking too damn loud. Two," they continued. "There's a way to tell for sure without cutting him apart or letting him try to eat someone."

"What, check how pasty he is and see if you can get them to wax poetic? The last wight colony was like that." _Heh, watching Shard go absolutely nuts on those guys was weirdly interesting and somehow entertaining._

Will felt the silent atmospheric shift of magic as Shard grinned just a bit. "Thanks for getting it. You wanna do this?"

"...I'll leave that pleasure to you." The smile had returned, a bit more malevolent than usual. Full intent to be violent and deadly force if their new guest turned out to truly be an undead. Will was more than willing to keep his impartiality in this situation. 

"Oh well, your loss."

They palmed their marble and skipped over to the party, just as their Undead Alice finished hacking out one of Mabel's plastic models he'd been choking on for a few minutes. Shard stopped to watch the slimy thing slide across and off the table before beginning their experiment. 

"Hey, little boy. What's your name?" Ix made a "shoo" gesture at Cheshire, who obliged and went off to bother Stan Pines out of his afternoon nap to try her Mabel Maple Soda No. 36. 

"Uh-"

"Nice to meet you, Asterism. Do you know anything about Edgar Allen Poe?"

He paused to process a few seconds, then answered. "... You mean the creepy writer guy with the raven thing?"

"Right on, child. Have a palm reading." They didn't wait for a response. Shard just grabbed the Alice's arm and yanked it up to their face and inspected. A few solid prods to the palm and surrounding area, then a hard bite to the index. They let the surprised Undead Alice snatch back their hand as Fragment smacked their lips, tasting the blood staining their teeth.

"You seem like a writer. College?"

The Undead Alice nodded. "2 years."

Will watched as Ix's hands tensed up just a bit. _Not good?_

"Hmm. WILL!!" Ixa made a "come over here, quick" gesture. "Come say hi."

_ Crap. They changed their mind and are gonna feed me to a zombie anyway._

_Ohh, it wasn't supposed to end this wayyy..._

"Would you say you have the same skin tone as a normal living human being?"

_Oh._

"Um, yes?" Huh. Will didn't remember getting to the table. He'd run over out of habit without really thinking, years of being called by people from the court simply to be doted on taking its toll. _Warped word association is horrible. One day, my murderer is gonna call me and I'm going to come right to them._

Ixa snapped their fingers on both hands twice, then held them out. "Hands, you two."

Will and the Alice did so, albeit warily. They'd both seen how prone their Hatter was to giving out minor injuries. Wow, certain people really did have that compelling effect. He and the Alice did it even if they knew they were probably gonna be bitten.

Shard compared the backs of their hands, then twisted their arms backwards to see their palms. Will and the guest shared a pained look behind Fragment's back as their wrists were analytically broken. They both flinched when they were pricked by needles. Then, finally -

"Wow Will, you're really pale. Are you sure you aren't one of the more moisturized draugr?" 

"Oh come on you've been on-and-off operating on me, keeping me alive for years, you've even seen all of my organs and bones - _which I myself have never seen_ , by the way - and you're just now gonna call me out as a dead person?"

They blinked. “It's not your worst betrayal."

Will blinked, then gave a small "alright" nod. "Hm fair enough."

"By the way," Ixa turned to the not-undead Alice. "You're clean. You just have a shitty vibe, that's all."

They walked away briskly, likely on the way to save and complicate another life. The Alice watched them, so obviously confused it was funny.

"Bit weird, aren't they," Will remarked. He didn't feel as worried or in danger around the guest as before in the Upperworld, so his flinching tic had toned down a lot. "Ixa is an educated kind of feral."

"No kidding. This'll scar," he said, holding up his hand. The bleeding had mostly stopped, but there were a few stray smears of red.

"And you haven't even tried living with her. My hands are screwed." Will pulled up his sleeve, revealing dotted half-circle scars everywhere. 

"Heh." The Alice shared Will's small upquirk of the mouth.

"Hey, uh, what's your name, Alice?"

"Dipper. Dipper Pines. And why do people keep calling me that, Alice?"

_Asterism. Not really a constellation._

"So that's why..."

"Huh? Why what?"

Will took a second. Oh wait, he needed to explain everything, since Shard was gone somewhere. 

"Oh, there's a lot you have to catch up on if you're gonna stay in this place."

"I'm listening..."


	6. Repeat After Me: I Will Not Weaponize Inadvertent Emotional Manipulation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hi i know its been like 2 months but this chapter used my life force as ink during the conceptualization of the other half of the plot so  
> (aka i, the author, was not of sound mind when this chapter was created)

"... And that leads up to here. We're the base of operations, look, we're coming up on headquarters now," Will pointed down the forest trail towards a little log cabin a ways away. Explaining to Dipper the entire situation with the rebellion was easier than expected. Quick learner, a decent memory, efficient question-asker. He and Sir Ford would've gotten along well. "We call it the Shack."

"Lots of people dropped in."

"Yeah. Told you they would," Will gestured around them. "You're very VIP to us, anyways." Their entourage of 12 had accumulated as they walked, some dropping from the trees, some glitching in through the Crossroads, and-

"Hi again Will! Hi again Alice!"

"AAAH - "

\- one in particular popping in and out of existance simply for kicks, much to Dipper's anxiety. 

"Hello there, Mabel." Will himself had gotten used to Mabel's disappear/reappear habits, and surely their Alice would too, eventually. Extra emphasis on "eventually".

Cheshire drifted a bit lower, parallel to the ground beside where Dipper had fallen. "You gonna get up, or is the forest floor comfy? If you don't get up, I understand. There was this one time I fell down and decided to just sleep it off right there and when I woke up, whaddya know, it'd been 5 days - "

Will smiled awkwardly and offered a hand. Why was it getting harder to keep up his facade? He'd gone through longer periods of time in more volatile situations than this, so why was it getting so painful to keep up a simple smile? Will had already told all there was to tell, everything about the Rebellion, everything about the Emperor, everything. He had nothing to hide. Why was he so uneasy around the Alice? Unless...

Dipper took his hand and Will pulled him up. As he said thank-you, Dipper studied Will a bit closer. Will wasn't a threat. He'd proven that over and over, telling Dipper all this sensitive-seeming information on their little stroll through the forest. So why did he still feel like he had something to fear from someone who looked like they'd blow away in the next strong wind? Unless...

"Hey, do you - "

" - actually wanna be here?"

There was a moment of silence in which the two just stopped and stared at each other, praying that what they'd both said didn't come off as offensive. Mabel sensed the need for intervention and stopped playing with a pinecone she found on the forest floor long enough to pop between and loop an arm around each's shoulders, effectively alleviating the tension. Will silently swore to later thank Mabel profusely and to owe her all his life.

"Look," she said, gesturing to the front of their little crowd with both hands at a peculiar ramshackle and oddly triangular cabin, their so-called HQ. "Who wants to bet something came up? We've been standing here for a little too long for normal, don't you think?"

"I'll bet on an argument breaking out." Will spoke with no hesitation, easy as breathing. _Chesire must do this "let's bet" thing often_. It took a few seconds of the two staring expectantly at him before Dipper realized that betting was compulsory.

"I'll... bet that we've been locked out," he muttered, breaking eye contact as to feel less uncomfortable. "Leading to the argument Will just mentioned."

Mabel poofed back in front of Will and Dipper and started to walk backward. "All bets are in. If you guys are right, I let you go from Mabel Juice Testing Time. If not, well..." Cheshire gave Dipper a smile worthy of her name. "I hope you like staying up for days and vomiting without warning."

"I'm gonna go watch what's going on. Race ya!" And with that, Cheshire did a flip back into the void, off to see if she'd won herself 2 new test subjects. Dipper had a feeling that processing her words would be a mistake, like a mistake proving that "ignorance is bliss", so he followed suit and went to the front of the little crowd in front of the cabin. After taking the long way around the people puddle in fear of offending someone if he just elbowed his way through, Dipper finally got to see what the fuss was. 

The Hatter has been jiggling the doorknob for the past 3 minutes in complete silence, and finally spoke as soon as Dipper managed to get a good view.

"Where are the keys?"

A ripple of dissenting murmurs spread through the crowd. The Hatter took some time before speaking again, a nonchalant drawl that didn't suit the meaning of their words.

"Then I guess we just lost this base."

It was like they'd all been surprise sucker-punched, Will most of all. As everyone shared the same dramatic incredulous gasp, his already worried mind went from a simmer to a boil. Without the protection of this base, they were all defenceless to the Emperor's magic.

Ok, maybe he wasn't the one hit the hardest by that declaration. Wendy just about exploded.

"WHAT. THE _FUCK,_ " she cried. "Can't we break in?" Will looked on at the classic aggro display of the Dormouse. She and Ixa never really had a moment where they were just ok with each other, they'd either fight or be in total agreement, like fire and ice. But that was expected, both were just as angry as the other. And had the same current objective: murder Bill. Will liked to imagine they wouldn't skip to going after each other after the whole ordeal was over, but that was likely wishful thinking.

"You think I haven't tried that?"

"Fine, then I'll do it. Just you wait, I'll make you eat your words."

"Be my guest. Wait, wait, before you go," Ixa suddenly had a pen and notepad. "Before you go, what kind of magic do you use again?"

"Uh," Wendy muttered a few words, likely acronyms to remember the classes, before saying her class. "Combatant. 6th tier regen."

"Ok." The Hatter wrote something down, like an equation. Dipper saw them circle a few words that he read as "Impact Reflection x 8.2 = 4000 E-watts" before ripping out the page and putting it back wherever the hell it came from. Seriously, where did the Hatter get all this stuff? Dipper didn't see any pockets or bags or anything on their person. What, did they just have a pocket dimension where they stored their stuff?

"Go on ahead." Will could see Ix digging their nails into their palms behind their back. They'd developed a slight tremor since they'd finished their calculation. _Something's up. They're trying not to laugh._

And with a battle cry, Wendy Corduroy went flying at the front door, fully intending to break the thing from its' hinges or something. Time seemed to slow as all eyes watched the Dormouse approach her target. Will braced himself for the impact. Dipper watched on in curiosity. Ixa grew increasingly pale from holding their breath, trying not to say anything. The point was, everyone was expecting something big in that moment.

What no one, especially Dipper, expected was her bouncing off a purple sparking iridescent dome surrounding the shack, mainly because it wasn't there before.

William winced and watched as Wendy was thrown in the opposite direction of her charge and landed hard in the dirt, skidding a few metres before rolling to a stop. Mabel appeared next to Wendy before she got up, glittery band-aids at the ready. Of course, that didn't stop the Dormouse from popping right up for Round Two.

"Now, can anyone tell me why the Dormouse just bounced like a rubber ball?" The Hatter was making this moment an educational one, their voice shaking as they tried to contain their amusement. Dipper wondered how irritated the Dormouse would be after she finished cleaning up her wounds. "And also why she got tased?"

"Ooh, ooh-" She waved her hand around like the question had burned her. 

"Cheshire?"

"Because-" Mabel had to catch her breath. "Because the Shack is hexed against all magics!"

"Very good. And as you can see here, all magics and magic users are repelled by the protective barrier. Equal to or more powerful than your magic class. The stronger you are, the worse the shock. There's a reason we never lock the doors to the Shack. The only way to get in is if the door is already unlocked, and since we've managed to misplace the keys, well," The Hatter flicked their hand at the cabin in a gesture halfway through both irritation and acceptance. "No more access, no more base."

The crowd descended into a quieter chaos from there, all freaking out and calculations of their odds of survival without the Shack and people simply sitting down and attempting to process this new crisis. Will decided to use the disturbance as a way to approach Dipper, walking up from behind.

"It's an odd day today." The Alice spoke before Will did. Guess he wasn't good at stealth.

"Mm."

"Is it usually like this?"

"Not usually," Will laughed awkwardly, trying not to freak out. "Customarily, it's less life-threatening and a bit more fun." He glanced at the Alice. There was something odd about his expression. Defiance, resolve, possible anger, but where was it directed? 

"Is this base important to you? Like, personally?"

"Y-yeah," Will kind of stuttered on that one. How, exactly, was he to answer something so suddenly personal? Oh, well, might as well be honest. "Only place that I can afford to feel safe in."

"Is this because you're an outlaw, or because of the emperor? He seemed like a dick when you described him."

"Yeah, he, uh," Wow, even after years Will found it hard to shit-talk his brother. "He qualifies."

"Hm."

A minute passed, two. They just stood there, staring at that Mcguffin of a house and everyone losing their shit about it. Usually Dipper would be thinking in that long moment, but his head was just suddenly... empty. Maybe it was Will closing up like, uh, what was that plant called? Mimosa, "mimosa" something. _Mimosa pudica_. Will just started getting less responsive, like he was curling up and shrinking in defence. He started to regret asking for personal answers and likely making the Rabbit more uncomfortable than before.

Feeling desperate to break the oppressive silence, Will decided to prod onwards and see if the prophecy was right, if this Alice would really be able to save them. To do that, then -

_All of Dipper's feelings. Can I use them?_

"Honestly, I thought today was going to be great. We've been waiting for you for so long, I thought the day you'd come would be the best day of my life. Everything would be perfect."

"It's just - the prophecy must be hyping everything up. Prophecies have that effect," he continued, while keeping up that wistful, teary expression, staring up at the Shack's nonsensical weather vane.

"I just hoped that you'd be able to make this all-" Will glanced over quickly.

_Yes, I can._

"Or maybe I was wrong to hope. Sorry, sorry," Will wiped away his tears quickly with an apologetic smile and turned to face Dipper. He wasn't standing still anymore, he'd begun moving towards HQ like a man on a mission. _Whoa, that worked so easily._

"Hey kid, what're you-" Wendy cut herself short as they all watched the Alice jiggle the lock, determine it completely locked, then scale the roof, rip off some makeshift tiling boards, and slip through the hole in the roof, during which everything stayed completely silent. A few minutes later the Alice emerged, and they all watched him walk up to the front door and unlock it, holding it open for all to come in.

After standing there dumbfounded, Mabel cheered. 

"WHOO, ALICE!!" She shot past him and right through the door, then doubled back to ruffle Dipper's hair before going inside again. As the crowd filed in one by one, Will hung back to see what Ixa thought of the stunt. He didn't get to see their full expression, but Will swore they were smiling a bit wider than usual as they went in. Strange, they usually disproved of that sort of manipulation. _Oh, well. I'll take the wins whenever I can._

While everyone was getting seated, Will gestured for Dipper to stand with him and Ix at the head of the table. The elation he felt at his little scheme made him oblivious to the way Dipper's hands were brutalized because of his efforts. 

Once all were in their place, Ixa slammed their hands onto the table surface for silence, a slight gleam in their eyes.

"Let's begin this meeting, shall we?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> note: if the characters are referred to in their Wonderland titles (Dormouse, Cheshire, etc), it's Dipper's pov. If they are referred to by their real names, it's Will's pov  
> (im sorry yall i know i fucked up on merging the povs)


End file.
